Dating over 40 – The Complete Guide
For many males and females, dating after 40 can seem challenging. However, there are many benefits to enjoying the art of dating as you age.
Relationship expert Dr. Juliana Morris says love connections can be even more profound at an older age. “When you own where you are in your life, who you are, and are confident in your values and personality, you are more likely to find someone better suited for you,” she says.
As you can imagine, being much more experienced at 40 can lead to a much happier experience. You are far more comfortable with who you are, meaning you can be much more comfortable letting someone get to know the “real” you.
What are the realities of dating over 40?
You have more responsibilities & distractions.
Of course, it’s essential to remember that dating after the age of 40 does have some significant differences from dating before 40. For example, you’ll likely have more things to consider, from your career to your home to your kids.
“Dating is going to have a different landscape after 40 because people are more likely to have been through a divorce or have kids,” relationship expert Jennifer Seiter told me. “It will be more challenging because you will have more external distractions from your relationship. For example, if you have kids, your new partner may feel neglected if you pay more attention to them than them.”
You must accept that if you intend to be in a happy relationship. This isn’t like dating before you had a long-term career, a home to pay for, and children from a previous relationship. Considering these critical factors and understanding how they could impact your dating success is essential.
You have life experience.
However, that’s not to say that you will be too busy to have some fun. After all, after 40, you know far more about who you are. What you like and what you dislike. With the help of some added life experience, you’ll be far less likely to “go with the flow” or settle.
Relationship expert Audrey Hope says, “Not only have you grown in time, but you have also grown in your self-worth and experience, and can therefore magnetize a better love match through the law of attraction. You lived through and survived the bad boys (or bad girls) who broke your heart, and now, after 40, you are ready for mature and lasting love.”
She continued, “You have probably deepened from experiences and are now looking more at the soul, the heart, and the inside of the person, rather than their hair and pant size. The superficialness has faded.”
“You generally have a much better idea of what a good relationship looks like. No? Well, here it is. You see yourself in good, pleasant conversation with this person for 20 years or more,” Roger Ziegler, relationship coach, said. “Every other good thing flows from that.
Put simply; your priorities are far better when you are dating after 40. You aren’t looking so much for the lust we seek when we are younger; you want something less superficial and far more likely to satisfy you emotionally than physically.
You may have to deal with a former spouse.
The most common issue you are likely to have to deal with is the approach of a former spouse – on your or your partner’s end. At this time in your life, though, you should be far more likely to be able to handle the distraction and the strain that this could place on things.
“You or your new mate may have an ex trying to sabotage the new relationship,” Seiter said. “The disruption can manifest in subtle or passive-aggressive ways, such as verbal barbs or dropping in under the guise of seeing the kids.”
Family life, children, and chances of conceiving
Of course, being honest with yourself at this stage in the relationship is essential. Do you already have children? Then introducing a new partner into your life could be tricky. However, you also need to understand that, after 40, the chances of having children with your new partner will have decreased considerably.
The chances of conception are likely lower, so you must consider what that means. How much of an impact would that likely have on any new relationship you are about to enter?
Your body is less forgiving.
After 40, it’s safe to say that our bodies are less likely to withstand the same physical pressure we once put on them. So, from nights out to romantic nights in, remember that dating at 40+ means dating without the iron invincibility that often meant you could go out for several nights in a row – or enjoy several nights in!
You need to be ready to pace things and live responsibly.
Physical intimacy is different.
However, that does not mean you cannot enjoy intimacy – arguably, your intimacy after 40 is better than ver. This is because you are far more experienced and likely to be in a relationship for the emotional impact than the physical enjoyment. As a result, those intimate moments you enjoy are deeper, stronger, and far more satisfying.
That should be considered, as it will significantly affect how much/little you can enjoy dating after 40. Once you form that connection, intimacy can feel like it’s become transformative.
Alisa Ruby Bash, PsyD, LMFT in Malibu, says,
“After 40, people can usually connect more and experience authentic relationships because they are willing to give it more of a chance. Therefore, the physical intimacy can be much more fulfilling than the shallow, less intimate sex people tend to have in their 20s when dating.”
Conversations are different
“Young people dating tend to stay away from complicated topics like marriage, kids, and finances until their relationship progresses,” Daniels said. “As a 40-year-old in the dating world, such conversation points are always on your mind. However, you need to be careful how and when you bring up these more serious topics while you are”
Keep the above in mind. Many people aren’t aware of how their conversation has changed from age 20 to 40. things you enjoy are far more refined, and you know much more about what you like/dislike than you could when dating at a younger age.
You can find that having more serious and enjoyable conversations becomes quite simple if you are dating after 40; ‘scary’ subjects are far less off-putting when dating at this point in your life.
Attitudes towards relationships have changed.
As Roger Ziegler, a 15-year certified life and relationship coach, says, “Hopefully, by now, you are looking for a connection that goes beyond the surface appearance of things. Kindness and good conversation are more important than looks or wealth.”
“Sex might not be number one on the list. Maybe now it has moved to the number two slot. After that, commitment might take the top slot,” according to relationship expert Audrey Hope.
This is one of the most important things to consider at this stage in your dating life. After that, you can prioritize what matters far more realistically. You won’t be looking for short-term thrills, and your relationship should feel outstanding even after the ‘honeymoon period has ended.
Expectations change significantly
Of course, this has a natural impact on both parties’ expectations. There is an expectation and demand that both parties can fulfill each other emotionally and intellectually. You aren’t so much looking for something new or something; you are looking for stability to ensure your life after 40 can feel as secure and fulfilling as possible.
Things get serious faster.
That desire to have something more powerful in your life significantly impacts the speed at which things develop. So when you get to that stage when dating after 40 that it feels just right to be with someone, it makes sense that the speed of the relationship will change.
You both want something more serious, and you aren’t in your 20s and thus no longer running away from being committed. That’s why you shouldn’t expect a slow-burner moving forward in your dating relationships.
According to Bash, “Because of the wisdom age brings, and life experience, relationships can experience deeper levels of emotional intimacy sooner than younger people who do not know themselves or feel truly comfortable being themselves. Therefore, people tend to get more serious quicker after 40. They realize how special and rare true connections are and probably are very sick of being alone.”
The love connection is deeper in your 40s
This is another reason why the connection you can have in your 40s is far less confusing than earlier. For example, you might say that you ‘love’ someone, but do you love the newness of the experience?
At 40+, you are far less likely to make overarching commitments and statements of love to someone without being 100% sure this is what you feel. When you know, love is a far less specific emotion at earlier stages in life.
“The love couples experience after 40 is usually deeper,” Bash said. “Since it’s not first love and not their first rodeo, they have to accept each other with their baggage and usually grow in their self-acceptance. Seeing themselves through fresh eyes — through the eyes of another, after 40 — can give them a new perspective and change their entire understanding of life.”
Am I too old to date at 40?
Not! This is a common fallacy that we often see, but it’s not the case. In truth, you are never too old to date. Finding companionship and friendship with someone is an excellent place, even in your golden years. At 40, you are still more than young enough to find someone to spend the rest of your life with.
40 is often seen as a prohibitive age for many things. So yes, you’ll find it harder to make time for the frivolous romance of your earlier years. That, though, is replaced by a desire to find something that makes you truly happy – and we are never too old for true happiness.
Is it that hard to find a date after 40?
Only if you allow it to be after 40 can we convince ourselves that we are en route to the scrap heap. Finding a date in the conventional sense of meeting someone once and never meeting them again after a wild evening is less likely; that is obvious. The challenge with learning to date after age 40 is finding the right platform to find a day. And that leads us to our next question…
Is Tinder good for those over 40?
We would have to say no. Tinder is built for those looking for short-term relationships, flings, and other issues. We cannot recommend getting involved with that; at 40, you probably want something more effective and enjoyable. You want something that won’t feel so dull and short-term. What you want instead is something that can feel fun and legitimate to the person you are.
Tinder is unsuitable for those over 40 as dating expectations are more suited to those in early adulthood. Unless all you are looking for is a quick fling and something to reminisce about, Tinder is not a good idea – you aren’t likely to find love on such a platform. Lust, yes! Love? Doubtful.
Learning how to date at 40
Be the single you want to meet.
The first advice about dating at 40 is to be the person you would look out for on your own. Try and be far more open-minded, as the last thing that anyone wants to be at 40 is stuck in their ways!
“Be the single you want to meet,” says Tammy Shaklee, relationship expert and founder of H4M Matchmakers. One way to do that is to explore new hobbies and interests constantly. That way, she says, “you’ll have exciting things to discuss on a date, whether it’s travel plans, the latest restaurant, or even new places and activities in your city.”
This is excellent advice, as it will make it much more likely for you to be diverse and open to what you can discuss when you meet your potential date. That will ensure a far more natural and enjoyable dating experience overall.
Your date outfit says a lot.
Of course, dressing for a date in your 40s will be much different from dressing for one when you were 21. You want to show a happy blend of self-confidence and sex appeal. You don’t want to appear as if you are here for one night only. Show out the best in yourself with an outfit that says you are available but only for those interested in the long-term.
In short, avoid anything too skimpy while avoiding needless informality. Set a standard for how you like to appear and keep to that standard, whether it’s your first date or your fiftieth.
Daniels says, “You want to appear classic and put-together…The proper outfit will emphasize that you have your life together and no longer want to play the field. In addition, by putting together an attractive, presentable outfit, you tell your date that you are serious about pursuing a long-term relationship and are not interested in short-term hookups.”
Starting over after divorce at 40
Returning to the dating game after divorce at 40 can feel challenging. In your worst moments, you probably feel like you have little to offer to someone. The main thing to do here is to remember that a broken marriage is a two-way street; there were likely mistakes on both sides. The best thing you can do then is to remind yourself that your happiness is more important than anything and that if you feel happier out of your marriage, you are in a good place.
Remember, too; many people get into dating after splitting up and divorcing their partner. So if you think you are the odd one out, think again. Divorce does not make you unattractive or damaged goods; it just means that a previous relationship didn’t work out. Why should that preclude you from being with someone else, though? Starting over is only as daunting as you allow it to be in your mind.
How to date again at 40
First, keep an optimistic mindset as you progress in the dating game. The biggest obstacle to your success will be your perception. If you see yourself as someone who will be ‘hard to love’ or anything of the sort, you will project that onto your next date.
Try and maintain a positive mindset. Think about why someone would want to be with you and why you would make someone happy. The best thing you can do is come into this with an optimistic outlook, making it much more likely that you can go towards your dates feeling good, upbeat, and confident.
Sunny Joy McMillan, relationship expert and author of Unhitched, recommends replacing your doubts with optimism. For example, she suggests changing your mindset from “dating is scary and difficult” to “dating is fun and easy.”
Trust your instincts
At 40, you are far more experienced than a decade ago. You should feel far more confident trusting your gut at this junction. It has to feel right if you are going to be with someone. If your loins scream yes, but your heart and head say no, listen to the latter.
“Most relationship mistakes happen because a person does not trust their instincts early on and sticks around thinking it will change,” says clinical psychologist Ramani Durvasula.
Jones says. “Don’t be afraid to end a date or stop dating someone if you sense a ‘red flag.’ But, on the other hand, beware of the person who blames their ex for everything.”
If you keep spotting things about the person in mind who you will be with, and you don’t like what you see, you don’t need to wait for them to change. Keep that in mind – many women make the mistake of waiting for far longer than is realistic.
Make the first move
Again, your instincts should know when you are in a relationship that makes you feel good, so keep that in mind. Be sure to make that first move; if your instincts tell you they suit you, they are. If you can’t think of many ‘red flag’ issues, waiting too long could be a mistake.
“One of the freedoms of being older is knowing what you want and asking for it,” says relationship expert Dr. Juliana Morris.
Instead of jumping ahead and wondering how your kids will get along, take dating one step at a time. “We are the most powerful in the present moment,” says McMillan, “So use that power to your advantage when dating, and keep your attention on what is immediately in front of you.”
Embrace your baggage
The best thing you can do at 40 is to accept that you will have baggage – and so will anyone you meet who is genuine. Don’t treat baggage as an off-putting experience; use it as a sign of someone who has lived. For example, Erika Ettin, dating coach and author of Love at First Site, says one of her clients didn’t want to date a man because he cared for his grandson. But Ettin helped reframe it as a positive. “It showed that he was dedicated to his family,” says Ettin, who encouraged her client to give it a shot.
Be open to change
Be open to change, recommends Hanna Betts from Telegraph Dating. As Einstein probably didn’t say: “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly but expecting different results.”
When dating, The worst thing you can do is remain stuck in your thoughts and ideas. You are dating a new person than you were before, so keep that in mind. Be open to new experiences, as they might be missing from previous unsuccessful dating experiences.
Have single allies
Betts also recommends cultivating a vast and brilliant circle of single allies. You’ll have the time of your life, but you’ll also encounter more romantic opportunities.
Consider hiring a dating coach.
“Coaching offers services and products designed to improve our client’s success,” says Keren Eldad, who created the program Date With Enthusiasm. Eldad recommends searching Linkedin for a dating coach that melds with your personality, is ICF certified (International Coaching Federation), and has a proven track record.
< It’s a good choice, especially for those looking to open up. If you find it hard to find your true self, then this should be an excellent way to help you spot where your issues might lie. So often, our most significant issues can be right under our noses – a dating coach can point them out in a way that won’t offend.
What are the chances of finding love after 40?
Be aware that love is far more likely to happen now: you know who you are. Hannah Betts from Telegraph Dating says you’ve been 4,000 times more fascinating around the block than you were at 25.
Stop seeing yourself as unlovable just because you never got married in you’ ‘you.’ You are still more than young and able enough to find a lifelong partner at 40. Furthermore, you are less likely to waste time in the wrong relationship because you know what you like and dislike. So, use that wisdom to your advantage, and don’t let it hold you back.
How to meet someone new in your 40.
“Singles over 40 often have an Amazon Prime mentality when it comes to dating”,” says relationship expert and founder of Smart Dating Academy, Bela Gandhi” “They want to check off a few boxes and have the perfect candidate arrive at their mailbox in 48 hours”. Instead, she says it’s essential to be patient and stay positive.
Just like meeting someone back in the pre-internet days is about chance as much as anything, so is meeting the right person. Thiisn’t’t like hiring a service; a first-come-first-serve approach to dating after 40 is not a good idea. Be patient, be ready to avoid settling, and accept that meeting a human you are compatible with is the most organic of all feelings. Once you do that, finding someone new is much easier.
Places to meet singles dating over 40
You have so many options to meet people over 40. You have many offline options, from community college classes to skill events. From yoga to art classes, the gym and even hobby classes could be an excellent way to meet someone. You could also meet them the old-fashioned way; go to a bar and see who you meet.
However, the best places to meet singles over 40 are typically specifically made over-40s dating websites. They are great for finding someone you can connect with who will seek a meaningful, genuine adult relationship.
How to be Attractive at 40
This is a very abstract question, and it all comes down to what you believe to be attractive.
We are all at our most powerful when we feel comfortable in our skin. If you wish to be attractive at 40, aside from caring for your body with a good diet and regular exercise, you need to go out feeling like you aren’t trying to look like anyone but yourself. Avoid trying to follow style guides or look ten years younger; be yourself, and you will notice how easy it is to look attractive at 40!
Self-satisfaction is a tremendously attractive attribute, so use it.
Dating over 40 as a man
How to Meet a woman after 40
As a man, dating after 40 is all about two things – patience and being genuine. Women who are dating men in their 40s are looking for someone who has a secure future, who has a mature way of thinking, and who has their eye on the long-term prize. Unfortunately, many guys in their 40s make a mistake and start trying to dress and act younger than they are.
Authenticity is your most powerful attribute at 40, though. Women who meet you at this stage want to meet a guy with stories to tell, advice to give, and an idea of what the next half of your life will involve. So whether you meet women online or in any other way we mentioned above, the most important thing you can do is be 100% true to who you are – nobody elseDon’t’t tries and hide your age; act it.
Dating over 40 as a woman
How to Meet a man after 40
Finding a man after the age of 40 can be challenging for any woman. However, the one thing to remember is that while beauty is still important, men at 40+ are far less shallow and naiveThey’llll be far happier to trade any physical attribute for an open personality, a mature mind, and experience.
If you want to date men as 40+ women, your best place to look is to avoid clubs and bars. You’ll only meet boys masquerading as men most of the time. Instead, look for things we mentioned above; hobby classes, restaurants, and theatres. You know what you like as a person and in other people, so head to venues supporting that.
If you love art, then go to an art museum. You never know who you will strike up a conversation with. Since you don’t need to worry about trying too hard, you can be yourself and enjoy what you are passionate about. Most men meeting women aged 40+ are looking for someone with a mature approach to life. Suppose you can show your male partner that maturity; you will benefit from doing so. So, if you want to know how to meet a man after 40, you can best forget all the dating tricks you would have tried before 40!
Authenticity always wins at this age. Men will be far more enamored by your experience and stories than they ever would five or six years ago. So long as you use your age as a positive instead of an inhibitor, you should find that dating men after 40 are so much easier to prepare yourself for.
Finding Love after 40 – success stories
I got together with Dp when I was 49; he was a toyboy of 43—getting married this year. He met his new fiancée at 57, also getting married this year. Romance is brilliant this time – we are much wiser and better at everything (including s.e.x.)
My aunt finally dumped her loser boyfriend of 20 years when she was 40 and was convinced she’d missed the boat. A year later, she hooked up with a bloke she met, who he local was pregnant and getting married. Her son is four now and has a two-year-old brotherThey’rere all happy as pigs.
I got divorced, aged 40, ten years ago (yikes!). Since then have had two three-year relationships, which were fun but didn’t work out in the end. Then I spent a year having a ball OD until I met my now DP 2 years ago. He moved in earlier this year, and it looks like it’s for keeps.
We both have kids – I have three teenagers; his two are older and don’t live with us. All easy and relaxed – the most stress-free relationship I have ever known.
Age is irrelevant, I reckon. Plenty of men out there who are not just interested in 20-year-old bimbos. I made some good friends along the way.
Go for it and have fun!
Here’s another story to cheer you up, but both have grown-up kids, and neither wants morI’mI’m afraid.
My friend met her DP when she was 52 and he 56. Six years on, they adore each other and are the most compatible couple I know: they have so much in common that they are like two peas in a pod, except that she is tidy and he is messy. I think, given the kind of issues that could rear their ugly head, a messy fella is a godsend!
As for now, 48, I had a few flings from 40-41, then a two-year relationship, then a four-year one, and happily single!
I Met DP 8 months ago. OL, I’m 45. He’s 46. We both entered the relationship knowing what we didn’t want but what mattered and didn’t. I was married for 19 years, and DP understands me more than my ex. I told him recently that I’ve finally become me I always should have been. He was worth the wait!
Stories from Mumsnet
Find love today!
Finding love can be challenging, but with the help of senior dating websites, you can be far more likely to find that love. As we have discussed, many people see love as something they can only achieve in their 20s. That is not the case; our search for love does not have to stop at any age. With the help of after-40s dating, you no longer need to feel like you must settle for singularity.
You are arguably more equipped than ever to enjoy the time with someone else. If you meet someone new, think about the life experiences and stories you have to share. Remember that you should be far, far more likely to find a happy long-term future. So, why should you have to be single after 40? The simple answer is: you don’t!